Transplant from mother — and its failure

by Shane Cross

Hello I am Shane and I am a dialysis patient. I was found to have kidney failure in 1993 and I was started on dialysis in 1995.

Two and a half years ago (1997) my Mum said she wanted to give me one of her kidneys. I did not want her to as she is my carer and I have had a lot of medical problems all my life. I am now 34 and I was afraid something would happen to her. But being Mum she kept on until, in the end, she gave a blood test to see if she was able to. Well it was found that she could and over the following 12 months she went through every test needed and even she had a few scares with different things. But on 3rd December 1997 she gave me what she said would be the best Xmas present she could ever give me, the gift of a better life.

There was a lot of mixed feelings and I am not going to deny that I was afraid for Mum. Mum was afraid for me and poor old Dad - he was in a worse state than any of us. We are a close family, there is only the three of us, and for him to see the two people he loves more than anything going for major surgery must have been nearly unbearable (me and Mum can only imagine what it must have been like for him, after all we were going to have a few hours nap).

When we woke up we were both sore but so very happy everything had gone all right. Mum’s bed looked like a florist with flowers, cards galore and balloons everywhere and mine looked like a card shop. We were all so happy and thinking about the new future. We were having cards saying Merry Xmas and Hope you ‘get well soon’ written on them, between us we had so many things from well wishers we could not thank people enough for their caring and Dad was just so relieved everything was over and okay.

But SAD to say our happiness was to be short lived. I had the transplant on the Wednesday and by Friday afternoon there was a problem with the kidney Mum gave me. I had scans etc. and by Friday night I was taken to theatre again, they could not save the kidney.

I had a renal thrombosis and they had to remove it. Mum sat by my bedside all night with Dad even though she was in a lot of pain I dread to think what they must have being going through. We just did not know what to say to one another: no words could help heal the pain we were going through at this time. When we got home it was nearly Xmas and now the Xmas cards from people were saying ‘Merry Xmas and we are so sorry that things did not work out’. Flowers were coming from everywhere, our sitting room was full of decorations, presents, flowers, cards wishing us a Merry Xmas, cards wishing us both a speedy recovery and cards saying how sorry they were. Every one brought tears to our eyes. People were so caring but it did not take away the pain we were going through that the best Xmas present I could have ever had was taken away from me. The Xmas itself was quite stressful although we did try to make the most of it after all we had come through. We were both all right; that was the main thing.

Well, since then, I have been back on dialysis and still waiting. I have some antibodies following what happened and, although I have been up to Bristol twice after being called for a transplant, they think I would have rejected them so it was no go. Mum is having a few problems but nothing she cannot cope with and sometimes things do get a bit stressed out but we have a few tears or a moan and then get on with things. Life is too short not to try and make the most of things, even if on dialysis.

Anyway, the whole point of this is that we feel sometimes it is good just to talk about one’s problems (not that anybody can help you) but just being able to talk and have someone to listen to you helps. And we do think that people that have been through the same sort of problems are better listeners than people who have not. When we have wanted someone to talk to and spoken to neighbours or friends etc. they do not always understand what you are feeling as sometimes I believe you have to have been there yourself to understand.

We have been there when people say ‘there is worse off than you, try to forget it’ or the like but we don’t want people to feel sorry for us; all we want is to be able to have a little moan and have a pair of ears to listen. Then we feel better and on we go again.

This article by Shane is an extract from a fuller version he wrote for the Perceptions series on this website. Click here to read it.

To find out more about Living Transplants and Donors, click here.

NKF Controlled Document No. 197, Transplant from mother — and its failure, written 16 October 2005. Last reviewed 19 October 2009.

The National Kidney Federation cannot accept responsibility for information provided. The above is for guidance only. Patients are advised to seek further information from their own doctor.

The National Kidney Federation is registered in England and Wales as a Company limited by guarantee (Company No 5272349)
and awarded charitable status (Charity Number 1106735).

Give as You Earn contributions No. CAF GY511.

Page created: 16 October 2005

Last updated: 29 April 2009

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